Exploring Disappointment: Navigating Sources, Reactions, and Functions
Disappointment. Maybe it’s unexpected news that abruptly punctures life as we know it. Maybe it’s a series of small setbacks that leave us feeling worn out and discouraged over time. Disappointment comes in many forms, and unfortunately none of us are immune to these experiences. Fortunately, therapy is a place that is familiar with disappointment. Here, we can navigate the sources, reactions, and functions of disappointment that we all face. As therapists, we too recognize ourselves as we come alongside our clients who seek to process this inevitable reality.
Some of the most common manifestations of disappointment are:
Interpersonal- perhaps we have been let down, hurt, or betrayed by someone we trusted
Intrapersonal- maybe there are parts of ourselves we desire to be different
Societal- from philosophies to policies, there are areas in our communities and cultures that we thought would have improved or changed in a different direction
A common theme is that something we trusted in, hoped for, expected, or imagined, did not come to pass. To be clear, we are not advocating to release all expectations of ourselves or others for the sake of protecting against future disappointment! Rather, we recognize our values, desires, or needs as we consider where and why we are disappointed. We can also consider our reactions to disappointment. Some of these may include:
Distraction– avoiding thinking or feeling by engaging in other activities
Denial– not admitting the disappointment; trying to downplay its impact
Comparison– evaluating how you “should” respond by referencing against another situation which may be “better” or “worse” than yours
Emphasis on gratitude– minimizing loss with statements like, “at least…” or “it’s not as bad as…”
Sadness or Anger– emotionality that expresses in feeling down, isolating, venting, sense of unfairness (just to name a few) and physical expressions of tearfulness or increased heart rate and fight response
Blame– reviewing how things could have gone differently and attributing this to your own actions or knowledge, or that of others’
These reactions can coincide with each other or weave from one to another. Any of these responses may come from a combination of personal temperament, culturally learned responses, and our current state or environment. What do you notice about your reactions to disappointment?
When we pause to sit with our disappointment, it can help us recognize the root of our discomfort and how we would like to respond rather than how we may automatically respond.
The concept of radical acceptance proposes that pain is an inevitable part of life, and suffering comes when we try to reject this reality. Suffering = pain + rejection. With disappointment, it may help to recognize where we are fighting the tide, when allowing ourselves to feel the pain of disappointment can lead to a compassionate witness for ourselves. It may also help to remember that there are multiple parts of us– parts that hold hope as well as feel disappointment. These parts are each functional and protective, seeking to provide means towards growth and safety.
As I prepare for maternity leave, I would describe my pregnancy as one of wonder, gratitude, and bewilderment as I experience things that seem out of my control. I’ve been disappointed in my new limitations as well as astounded by what my body is creating. I’ve had all the reactions listed as I try to care for my body, baby, and show up for the people and things that are important to me. It has been an ever-changing journey of emotions, acceptance, and tending to the old and new parts of me that have emerged.
Wherever you are with your experiences with disappointments or change, know that you are not alone.
