Cultivating Kindness Towards Ourselves
I clutched nervously to the rail, watching my cousins zip away on the ice while I struggled to stay upright on my skates. It was my first time on the rink, and I felt uncomfortable and self-conscious. My mother gestured from the sidelines, urging me to move. I tentatively shuffled my feet, let go of the rail, and immediately fell. Skidding on the ice, I felt cold, sharp stings on my knees and hands. A wave of embarrassment and anger hit me as I struggled to stand back up.
Suddenly gentle hands were helping me. “That looked like it hurt,” a woman kindly said as she assisted me back to the rail. I looked up in surprise, and she smiled sympathetically, then turned to skate to her child rounding the bend of the rink.
It made all the difference in that moment, experiencing and hearing her compassion. I don’t know about you, but it has taken me well into adulthood to practice compassion for myself in a variety of settings. Self-criticism, on the other hand, is a familiar voice. It has worked hard to motivate and hold me to high standards, which at times, I am grateful for. It is also culturally familiar. A critical comment about appearance or performance is much more common than encouragement, and a cultural value for humility makes self-criticism a complementary pairing.
However, self-criticism tends to focus on the outcome, while self-compassion sees the context.
Compassion takes into consideration our intentions, efforts, and plain human fallibility. It differs from pity, which comes from a place of superiority and devalues the part of ourselves or the person receiving pity. As with most things, there can be benefits from both. Self-criticism may have protective functions and could provide helpful feedback in areas of improvement. But when it becomes the dominant voice within that prevents you from engaging in or enjoying your life, this may be a signal to invite self-compassion.
What voice do you hear when you make a mistake, or something goes wrong? Is it one of criticism or compassion? Can you remember a time you experienced compassion or self-compassion?
After my encounter with the kind woman, I felt comforted and open to trying to skate again. Although I saw myself harshly, experiencing someone’s compassion towards me softened my critical part that had become so loud that it prevented me from enjoying something new.
If you find yourself being self-critical, try these simple steps:
Notice when a critical thought or language arises in your mind.
Observe how your body reacts and take steps to regulate yourself if necessary.
Approach self-criticism with curiosity. What is the underlying intention behind the criticism? Is it to protect you or to motivate you?
Recognize the need that is driving the criticism and address it directly. For example, you could say to yourself, "Thank you for trying to motivate me to be my best, but I don't need to be perfect."
Respond to yourself with self-compassion. Instead of criticizing yourself, offer yourself words of kindness and understanding. For example, "It's okay to make mistakes. I'm doing the best I can."
If it’s hard to practice compassion towards yourself, consider how you might speak to a friend if they were in your situation. Some of us may have come to rely on self-criticism because it has gotten us to where we are today. We may also want to reject it when it keeps us from living with peace and confidence. By tapping into self-compassion, we allow our critical part to become a guide rather than a fearful master, releasing ourselves to live more fully and freely.
