How to Talk About Counseling With Loved Ones
“Why would you pay to tell a stranger about your problems?”
“I don’t need therapy. I have you!”
“We have so much to be thankful for. You have no reason to be ____ (depressed, anxious, angry etc).”
Do any of these sound familiar? Maybe you’ve decided you want to go to therapy, want to suggest therapy to your parent(s), or would like to share how therapy has been going for you. Talking about counseling with parents or family who are unfamiliar with mental health can sometimes feel like a debate, interrogation, or a complete shutdown. Let’s explore ways to care for ourselves, remain connected, and respond intentionally.
Step 1:
Pay attention to how you’re feeling. Is your stomach in knots or is your chest tight? Do you feel like shutting down, escaping, or blowing up? Take a few slow, deep breaths. Take a few sips of water to reassure your body that you are not under attack.
Step 2:
Consider the message behind the question or statement. For example:
“Why would you pay to tell a stranger about your problems?” →
I don’t want our family to be put to shame by you sharing your problems. I don’t understand how spending money on this is practical or beneficial.
“Why would you pay to tell a stranger about your problems?” →
Don’t tell me I need professional help! Can’t I just tell you everything? Isn’t that what family is for?
“We have so much to be thankful for. You have no reason to be ____ (depressed, anxious, angry etc).” →
Your depression/anxiety/anger etc. makes me uncomfortable. Doing something about those things is unfamiliar to me, maybe because I didn’t have the capacity, resources, or support to address them in my own life.
Step 3:
Choose how you want to respond by acknowledging your needs and their message.
“Why would you pay to tell a stranger about your problems?” →
It’s important for me to have the guidance of a professional outside our circle who can offer another perspective. My health is worth investing in, and I believe it will positively impact other areas of my life.
“I don’t need therapy. I have you!” →
Your relationship is important to me, and I don’t have the capacity/ability to withhold my biases to talk with you in-depth about these things. There are therapists who are very familiar with what you’re going through and adept in helping people through it.
“We have so much to be thankful for. You have no reason to be ____ (depressed, anxious, angry etc).” →
I can be thankful and have these feelings/experiences.
Final Thoughts:
As you consider your situation and make your responses your own, a theme in these examples is boundaries and the both/and. In responding with boundaries, you create a clear distinction between what is yours (emotions, choices, values) and what is theirs (feelings, concerns, beliefs). You cannot control their response, be it their opinion about you going to therapy or if they choose to consider it for themselves. However, you have invited a conversation about it while being clear about where you stand and remaining connected.
create a clear distinction between what is yours (emotions, choices, values) and what is theirs (feelings, concerns, beliefs)
You also acknowledge that multiple things can be true. With both/and, we give room for our choices and other people’s responses (and vice versa), releasing ourselves from needing to be the same to be in relationship with one another. We also give ourselves the space to honor conflicting experiences within ourselves– you can be grateful for all that your parents have sacrificed and long for a different relationship with them.
Whether you are an adult living apart from parents, co-reside with your parents and/or family of origin, or are a teenager or someone who may need your parent’s financial support for therapy, we hope these help empower you to share your life in ways that are authentic and honoring to yourself and your loved ones.
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Whatever you may be facing today, we believe you can grow your roots and discover a way to be resilient through life’s challenges. You can find hope and healing in your circumstances and move towards wellness.
