Navigating Guilt: An Opportunity for Growth
Note: Guilt is distinct from shame. Shame is a sense of being inherently flawed or a failure while guilt is tied to specific actions or impact.
“It’s my guilty pleasure.” “Guilt-free!” The word, guilt, is peppered throughout our everyday language and often implies something that we are both drawn to and feel conflicted about.
Depending on our upbringing and experiences, guilt can arise when we perceive that we are indulging ourselves or when we have opportunities that other people are unable to access. Guilt can look like self-consciousness that may hold us back from completely enjoying something or trusting that we can be fully ourselves with others.
On a physical level, maybe it feels like a tightening in your chest or a pit in your stomach. Or perhaps it shows up as a repeated thought, replaying something that has happened or could happen. What does our guilt mean? And how often do we make decisions or navigate our relationships with the goal of avoiding this feeling?
First, a clarification. According to the Oxford dictionary, guilt (n) is the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime. However, our guilt is a bit more nuanced than a meter that tells us if we are right or wrong. When we examine the emotion of guilt, it is often associated with feelings of sadness or embarrassment.
Feeling guilt may not mean that you actually caused harm. We may feel guilt because we have not met the expectations of others. We may feel guilt because we have not met the expectations we hold for ourselves. And at times, we may feel guilt because we did contribute to someone’s pain or violated our own moral compass.
Feeling guilt can be an opportunity for us to understand ourselves better. The next time you find yourself feeling guilty, consider:
Where does the guilt come from? Is it prompted from an external source or from within? Is this standard something that you want to listen to?
Guilt can feel so uncomfortable that we might live in cycles of appeasing others, questioning ourselves, or getting stuck in indecision. While we might surpass this form of discomfort initially by trying to avoid it, we might be forfeiting our chance to live more authentically.
Was there harm caused that has led to this guilt?
It is normal to make mistakes and feel remorse over regrettable actions. Guilt helps us learn and keeps us connected to ourselves and to others. It may prompt us to take responsibility and make steps towards repair.
Have you violated your own values?
Guilt can indicate that we’ve gone off our moral compass or it may be illuminating what our values are. Spend some time with the guilt to see how it might inform what you can learn about yourself and what you may do differently in the future.
Perhaps we come to see guilt as an occasionally appropriate sensation as human beings. Guilt can usher in a multitude of opportunities for us to learn about ourselves, set boundaries, and repair relationships. If you identify as someone who is motivated to do more because of guilt, gently recognize that you cannot say “yes” to everything nor is it sustainable to do so. Even as we carry multiple values, we might take turns with which ones we can uphold given the circumstances and our capacities. Guilt can be an invitation to remind ourselves that we get to decide how we show up, for ourselves and for others.
