Exploring Mixed Emotions: Honesty & Compassion in Feeling
“Are you excited?” I have asked and been asked this question at various times and in various settings. The inquiry is intended to be thoughtful, posed in anticipation of anything from a commonplace event to a major milestone. However, I have come to recognize the bias that this question implies, specifically that we should feel something akin to bursting enthusiasm, eagerness, or anything else related to the realm of happiness.
Would I be excited for dessert? Yes, usually. Would I be excited for a change in my career or place of residence? Possibly, if I had chosen it. And I would likely also feel sadness for things I would miss and nervousness about the unknown.
Somewhere along the way, we may have come to believe that there are good emotions and there are bad emotions. In the pursuit of happiness we might equate joy or satisfaction with the absence of uncomfortable emotions. And yet, feeling worried is just as valid (and useful) in the human experience as is feeling content.
How did you see your parents, primary caretakers, or adults in your life respond to their feelings of anger, disgust, fear, or sadness? How about when they were happy or excited? What were you taught or shown with your own emotions? Were there certain feelings that were more permissible than others? What emotions are more difficult for you now?
Therapists encourage the exploration of emotions and often reference the feelings wheel (pictured below). This is because when we allow ourselves to identify what we are feeling without judgment, we can compassionately recognize what we need and decide how we would like to respond. It is common to feel opposing emotions, and it can be confusing if we’ve been taught to seek certain feelings and exile others. Here are just a few examples of multiple emotions we might experience at the same time:
concerned and hopeful
disappointed and relieved
exhausted and proud
eager and scared
grateful and sad
angry and loving
willing and hesitant
Oftentimes, what we feel is just the tip of the iceberg. A blaze of anger can be followed by guilt or shame, and upon further investigation we find that it reveals to us an area of hurt, embarrassment, or stress. In our valiant attempts to qualify or rationalize ourselves out of certain feelings we may be missing key data points that can help us live with more honesty and compassion.
Next time you find yourself feeling some type of way, take a moment to recognize the different emotions you may be experiencing. Refer to the feelings wheel and start in the middle, moving your way outwards to get more specific. As you recognize these emotions, allow yourself to consider what would be helpful for you in response. Do you need to take some time to mourn and be sad without having to “get it together” and move on with your day? Would exercising help you act on immediate feelings of anger and provide time to cool off so you can communicate clearly? Remember, it is natural to have multiple emotions simultaneously too. Give yourself permission to make space for them without being harsh or critical towards your feelings.
There is no such thing as good or bad emotions. Emotions signal that something important is happening or has happened. All of them are welcome to the party and can be invitations to pay attention to and care for ourselves.
