Maintaining Resilience and Intimacy During the Holidays
When you read the word “holidays”… what comes up for you? Maybe it’s excitement, dread, or a little bit of both (read Rebacca’s recent post). For many of us, the holidays are a time where our regular routines are interrupted by the busyness of the season. It’s easy to have our priorities slip through the cracks, including our relationships.
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Picture this: It’s the 26th of December. The last of your loved ones are waving goodbye in the driveway- you wave back, gently close the door, and let out a heavy sigh. Leftovers are on the counter, there’s wrinkled bedsheets by the washer, and gift wrap is sprinkled around the living room. Silently, you and your partner clean the house as you privately process the past few days. Suddenly, you realize it’s been days since you’ve had a genuine conversation together, as the hustle and bustle of hosting took over your usual routine of downtime.
Or maybe you more closely resonate with this scenario: You open the front door to a loved one’s home and are greeted by dozens of hellos. You do your rounds of hugs and kisses and make sure everyone is accounted for. Different sets of family members ask about you and your partner, your jobs, your futures. The questions become overwhelming, as there’s some you don’t even have an answer for. Your partner asks if you would like a drink and you snap back with a sarcastic remark. You immediately regret it, and can’t help but feel like you’re constantly on edge for the rest of the evening.
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These instances are limited examples of what relationship strain could look like for you and your partner during the holiday season. Thankfully, there ARE ways to maintain resiliency and intimacy in our relationships during turbulent times. This time of year is inevitable, but disconnection with your partner does not have to be.
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Drs. Julie and John Gottman created “The Sound Relationship House,” a research-based model that showcases the necessities for a secure partnership. Particularly, I want to note the pillars of trust and commitment, as they hold the house together.
For intimate connection to occur, it must be within the context of trust and commitment.
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tips for maintaining emotional intimacy
Curate your feelings into words
This gives you and your partner an opportunity to feel seen by each other. Using metaphors or analogies can be helpful for this. For example, “I am feeling overwhelmed, as if I’m being trampled by all of these questions!”
Use open-ended questions
Open-ended questions can help us stay curious about our partner’s experience. A hack for putting together an open-ended question is starting with “what,” “how,” or “tell me about…”. For example, “How did it feel when your cousin remembered that you collect vinyl records?”
Expressing empathy and validation
Put simply, empathy is a genuine attempt to understand someone’s viewpoint. Through empathy, you are showing your partner that their interpretation of a situation makes sense to you and is valid. An example of this might be, “I can see why your mother’s negative comment about the meal was so painful. You worked so hard to put together a great dinner for everyone!”
a final note
Drs. Julie and John Gottman have a quote stating, “understanding must precede advice.” It can be tempting to problem-solve for your partner in an attempt to make them happy. However, I challenge you and your partner to provide a safe space for each other to share authentically during this busy, holiday season.
Source: Gottman Institute https://www.gottman.com/blog/dr-gottmans-3-skills-and-1-rule-for-intimate-conversation/